Divya's Blog

so the papers have been having reports of men who cheat on their wives after their wives have won an oscar…apparently they’ve found a trend of break ups post actresses winning their Oscar awards because the husbands that they often thank graciously in their 30 second Oscar speech is later found to be a cheating rat!

the newspaper wondered whether it was because women in these relationships were more powerful than their men….some how that makes me feel like it’s the woman’s fault! RUBBISH! if a woman is beautiful, smart, successful and talented….you’d rather have her sit at home and be the ‘perfect’ housewife just to satiate the male ego! how absolutely stupid!

and then there’s the rot about sexual addiction….it’s not a new cool phrase…it’s PATHETIC …like alcohol addiction …an addiction stems from low self esteem and lack of will power and needs to be treated firmly. it is not a cancer. it is not something to be used as an excuse. it’s sad, pathetic and painful that it is now thrown around as the latest excuse….it’s even trying to become ‘cool!’!!!!?!

a marriage is not a competition. i think both ways , partners need to be happy with a spouse who is an achiever. rather than bringing them down, i think the greatest strength would be helping them higher, reveling in their achievements- BEING PROUD! ‘I am proud of you’ shouldn’t be something that parents only say to kids….we can say it to each other too and MEAN IT!

and cut the excuses of staying in a marriage ‘because of the kids…’ they know. u know. and all u breed is more unhappiness.

and married men…..women are not sleeping with you because ur uber hot….it’s usually because ur taken and they can WITHOUT any strings attached and with the amount of guilt u feel, u over compensate and try and reduce ur guilt by reducing ur bank balance , buying gifts for both mistress and wife! stop cheating ur wives and urselves…

all in all, if u wasted less time lying, cheating and screwing around, perhaps u’d have more time to try and achieve in life what ur respective other has. instead of blaming her for the oscar try and win a few urself!

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in this dog eat dog world (where the hell did that phrase come from!? ) …in this man eat man world, we spend our day getting up, working out, eating, traveling (that might even be 3/4 of the day) eating , arguing, fighting, running, climbing and sleeping…. in this mad mess of a ‘rat-race’ or ‘man-race’ (i haven’t ever seen rats racing!) we often lose out on laughter, smiles, love and just living! leave it all for the weekend we say and then the unavoidable work-weekend comes up and  the marathon continues!

yesterday we went to high tea with a friend who looked distraught….’monday was a disaster,’ he proclaimed….’this is the best thing happening all day!’ we met with others who all looked equally shattered and one who was begging for the weekend, on the first day of the week! and in between this madness , we expect to have perfectly healthy relationships, be able to spend romantic evenings with our respective others and sip sangria on a porch! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN! And now not even in movies….

the husband was on a 2 week-long contract negotiation all weekend….i woke up with him on the phone, slept while he was still on the phone, ate lunch and dinner while he spent it with his precious phone and now it was monday and we’re both back to technology filled lives where i have more of a love affair with my computer than him!

luckily he’s learned to subscribe to my blog and so occasionally i get an sms smiley or  a quick call to say ‘ i loved it…’or ‘oh my God, you wrote that?!’ but yup i’ve realised that is the  truth about our lives!

so when people wonder why i stick to him at a party or premiere , its because i’m usually catching up with him…..in all the hustle and bustle of our mad world…sometimes you gotta say more than just ‘hello’ , a ‘good morning’ or a ‘good night!’

so love these days , i have realised is restricted to office romances and last year i came across the concept of ‘work wife!’ ‘ she’s my work-wife’ a person proudly commented….married and with a beautiful working wife of his own…he missed being able to chat with his wife and share his life with her and hence had turned to the companionship of the ‘other woman.’ the other woman was not dressed in stilettos with a plunging dress as is often pictured in substandard films…but was plump, homely and very unthreatening. she too had her own husband at home! a relationship, they swore was completely professional…but looked anything BUT!

worries…..if u stop connecting….do we stop becoming a ‘we.’

yes and no….you can NEVER be too busy or as parents teach me , too old to go on a DATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND!

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so it’s not about first kisses anymore it seems like relationships are based solely and wholly on sex! ’so we met yesterday and we hooked up!’ seemed to be a common phrase among my single friends…gloating about a first night hook up or a one-night stand was completely alien to a prude like me…i mean what girl would hook up with you before she even knew you….! but then again i was wrong….my single boy friends have repeatedly told me! and then there’s the 3rd date ‘i love you….!’ it’s like the whole relationship is on speed or fast forward mode! and then if the couple is really into this ‘instant love/sex’ mess it’s the quickie marriage and then the unfortunate quickie divorce almost soon after!

‘who’d have seen it coming ?’they moan! everyone! and yet they get back in the cycle and try all over again….

i wonder whether it’s because we have become a fast food world and a generation used to instant gratification….i don’t hear of mom’s baking cakes anymore…now it’s microwave and cake mix….who has the time to beat eggs and add cocoa? we write on the internet and even that’s getting old…we’d much prefer instant messaging! english has become a quick fix language …i don’t even remember how many times i’ve written ‘ur’ instead of ‘your’…. but this is all technology driven and i often wonder that in a time where we cannot imagine a day or even an hour without a ‘quick-fix’ machine, maybe we should remember that our body and hearts are not a machine….love doesn’t happen in the 1st, 2nd or even 59th date…..it happens without warning or notice…u don’t hit jackpot every time…but u don’t stop trying…..don’t go for the prize immediately, work ur way up so that u know what it’s worth and stop expecting that u’ll meet on one day, fall in love on the 2nd day and get married on the 3rd….that’s setting u up for a quick-fire divorce on day 4!

don’t confuse love for sex or sex for love….because that’s setting u up for disappointment on both counts and stop lying to urself that the one-night stand is worth it…..eventually u end up lying alone, used and completely unsatisfied…..cos remember no ‘instant-mix is a good substitute for good ol’ chocolate CAKE!’

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Ok….so i am not always this blunt….(lies! actually i am!!!) but relationships drive me mad! not mine….but everyone else’s (i can almost hear aditya breathe a huge sigh of relief!)

i have few girl friends (ok….few is a number in excess! i have maybe 1/2 girl friends at most!) these are strong, cool women who live their lives on their own terms and are not whiners!! the rest that i meet whine! and this is not a trait restricted to women….men whine too! they whine all the time about relationships that they are in! girls, guys-stop whining…..do something about it or get out!

i remember at a wedding i was ushered into the ‘women’s room’ where i heard a group of newly married women complaining about their new husbands and…’oh no now we’ll never get a saturday free….’ ‘why?’ i enquired and i was told that the men had a rule to watch football matches every saturday night. important or not –that was their schedule! fine…that seems fabulous if you can watch it with ur husband but no they weren’t even allowed that! why didn’t they say something to the husbands…oh no –they didn’t want to rock the boat!

my husband is a football fanatic too! and we often have saturdays dedicated to football but nights that i have plans or i want to go out…WE GO OUT! relationships aren’t just about one person —they are about TWO!

women…if you can work, manage a household, pick up wet towels and deal with pms…why can’t u tell ur husbands what u really think…what u really want….why whine, when u and only u can make that change….husbands stop allowing wives to speak to me (hence keeping my female friend count to 1/2!) because i tell them to not complain to me and complain to the spouse! guess what stupid husbands…..it’s not divya who wants u to change…it’s ur wife and u’d be an idiot not to see that!

men…tell ur wives what u want….say ‘i can’t afford…’ when u can’t….say  ’ i hate desperate housewives…’—- if u do… don’t whine about how ur wife has changed post marriage…tell her! she ‘used’ to be fun! she ‘used’ to be fit! maybe she think u ‘used’ to be ‘fun and fit’ too and maybe u can both have some fun getting fit together (wink, wink….!)

this is a day and age of both men and women working, earning and ruling the world….to waste time having regrets and wishing ur spouse could be/ do something else and hoping that the message would get through to them telepathically is RIDICULOUS! guess what ur girl friends can’t change ur husband and trust me…you’d NEVER want them to and men stop living in the stone ages…ur wife does more than bear ur children…TALK TO HER! she won’t be pushed into the dark ages or a dark corner and wear full sleeved shirts/saris just to pacify ur enormous male ego but then again maybe u could share ur insecurities with her…ur hopes and ur dreams…maybe without compromising on who u both essentially are….you can both grow up and have an honest, whine-free relationship!

pls note the spelling of whine! wine , on the other hand is always necessary (my husband claims)….in many a relationship!

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so i’m the type of person who can count the number of close friends i have on my fingers….most of my really close friends fit on one hand….and i believe that that’s ok. i refuse to acknowledge the hundreds of random acquaintances we meet every day as ‘friends.’ it’d be like that girl who says ‘i love you’ to every guy she meets cos she can’t make the difference between like and love. ur my friend if i would kill for you (ok i’m a bit violent and excessive, but you get the drift hopefully). my friends are those who’d wake up at 4 am to listen to me read the last scene in a play i’ve written or listen to me howl, laugh, cry, scream and drive over or fly over and help me work it all out! for those of you who still don’t know the difference between friends and acquaintances–here goes!

1. an ex girlfriend or boyfriend is almost NEVER a friend. they’ve crossed the ‘friend line’ some time ago and ‘the benefits/ lack of’ that they received will never get them back to ‘friend’ status! they won’t be acquaintances either….they are what i usually refer to as ‘the ugly gray!’
2. if they haven’t introduced u to family…they’re not ur friend…India is a very ‘family-oriented’ country. if ‘friend’s’ mom still calls u beta cos she doesn’t know ur name -UR JUST AN ACQUAINTANCE!’
3. if they hit on your exes/ current–they’re not your friend.
4. if they show you up….they’re not your friend.
5. if they don’t criticize u they are not ur friend. acquaintances never wanna rock the boat…why waste time on caring when u can enjoy a happy superficial, meaningless relationship!?
6. if they don’t know ur surname or what you do- ACQUAINTANCE / not even that!
7. if u’ve never seen them during the day …only at night at parties—-they’re not vampires. they’re just acquaintances!!!!
8. if they see you/ phone you (if they are not in the country, else you MUST see them) seasonally/ never for months on end…they’re not your friends..they are acquaintances
9. if you are still in awe of them and them of u- spoiler alert- ACQUAINTANCES NOT FRIENDS!

this works for most . the only exception is my friend bob. he loves friends and he has many…not the type who’d volunteer a kidney for him but those who would do anything just short of! but to keep that up he parties eternally, is on facebook more often than it’s creators, tweets more often than birds and changes his bb message every morning so that allllll his friends know that he’s thinking of EACH of them!

bob’s the exception to the friends/ acquaintance rule… but even there he’s subdivided friends into friends and family and i’m right up there with family…so i guess the rule applies here too!

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mumbai is very complicated! a city of appearances …..everything is some times more surface than real and it’s easy to get caught up in the facade unless you are very, very, very ( i cannot say ‘very’ enough times) grounded!

the usually predators consist of the super rich who believe that every thing and/everyone have a price tag! they are the ones who show off the uber fancy car and spend 10’s of thousands to impress random girl , and end up with random girl on arm showing off super rich daddy’s house! unfortunately 85% of the random girls seem to want nothing more. i mean it must be true love–he has a beamer, worli house/ can bribe the dj at a night club! one night stand over. rich dude moves on to next girl. he has many conquests and yet not a single girl who cares how his day was/ what he does. as long as the drinks keep flowing and the tab is always paid, who cares?

the prey consist often of girls whose only aim is ‘to marry rich!’ i have actually met more than a few. one, who proudly told me…that she worked hard to hook her husband. never mind, that he had his hand strategically placed on another pyt’s butt! it didn’t matter. she could see it. but i mean she was ‘happy!’ she had trapped he ‘mr. rich!’ to trap one. one must be available to be content with being the replaceable arm jewelry on mr rich’s arm. you must try to be irreplaceable for long enough till you get pregnant /married /better still both! that way u can protect ur rights in case of a divorce!

and then there are the million wannabes. men who ape mr. rich and women who ape ms slutty–the wannabes! they wait in the shadows hoping to get lucky one day. maybe one day ms. slutty will step off her throne or maybe they might get to be mr. rich’s affair! and the mr. not-so rich’s have their day and way with the wannabes!

married but single is the new relationship status ! i don’t get it. but then i guess if  u have a price tag attached to you….people will always assume u can be bargained for or worse still got on ‘SALE.’

i work to keep friends away from these discount , factory outlets….but it amazes me how people can think that slutty clothes, extra make-up, a nice car or a wad of bills can hide defective goods!

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yes but then living with anyone is hard! living with yourself(if your honest) is no frigging cakewalk either!

over the last few days i have been privy to a lot of people discussing relationships with me…issues, quandaries, problems, high points! so i thought lets do a couple of blogs on relationships!

for those single- should you be in a relationship?

yes. so that you can go home and share your life, laughter and tears with.

no if you are still afraid of being on your own. if you don’t know who you are…..wait it out! get to know yourself first!

newly in a relationship?–

1. write down the ‘no way’ points….stuff you CANNOT and WILL NOT compromise on! religion, pets,children, parents, city to stay in ,life ideals, job etc.
2. write down your ‘love’ points…hobbies, interests, friends, work out routines, sport, fave team etc

Now remember compromising on group 1 will make you feel like the relationship has cheated you out of something…that you’ve given up something to be involved! SO NEVER NEVER COMPROMISE ON THE ‘NO WAY’ POINTS!

on the ‘Love points’ get your partner involved in them and you involve yourself in theirs too that way they can be shared. Yes the time you spend on your ‘love points’ might  work out less now that you are involving yourself in someone else’s life but it’s so much more fulfilling to be able to share interests and hobbies !

in a relationship

1. Nobody changes unless they want to. A momma’s boy will always be a spoilt brat until you become his no.1 priority.
2. Relationships are HARD . They take alot of work and even more fights!
3. Fights are good…they allow you to talk and cut away the charade of pointless niceness which will eventually cause super high blood pressure.
4. Don’t crib about your boy friend/ spouse to friends. Crib about him/ her to HIM/ HER! that’s the only way change can take effect!
5. Laugh together. Spend useless time together.
6. Go on dates together.
7. Cry. Show them who you are not who you think they’d perceive you to be!
8. Make friends together not just the ‘my friends,’ ‘your friends’ crap!
9. Create your own hobbies, your own interests, your own ideas of fun!
10. HUG!

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cross off items on your list, make more money, make some more, get a car, get another,get a house, get another-it’s a numbers game…!

and we go up alone and i know that and you do too….and yet here i am marveling that out of 12 items that i must work on by july…i have started on 8 of them! how will they pan out? no idea…will i / you be alive then….no idea….but the good thing is i have ticked the number and i’m on my way to ’success!’

i know there are so many of you reading my blog…some of you write back on the blog and i appreciate that..some of you post it to facebook / twitter -that’s cool too….but what i need to know is what would you like to talk about, what can i write about? how can we talk/ chat….how can i keep your ‘numbers?!’

after all it’s a numbers game and a math geek like me likes to top the class!

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I am a nice person. Contrary to what people might think…I am actually a pretty good person. I am kind. I care. I smile genuinely and I’m pretty ok!

That doesn’t run however for most people….unless you are a completely superficial, snooty nosed bitch you will get taken for a ride! i mean you’d have to be a pushover if you’re not rude/ arrive on time/ (worse still) smile!

i’m learning.

there are people with whom i can be normal with and then there are those that i have to be obnoxious with. it’s tough because i end up hating my attitude…and my geminian sides are in conflict! one twin hating me…the other saying it’s the only way! i’m still not very good at it and smile more than i yell at these people….but heck i’m nice. get over it!

another attitude i notice is with the sidekicks of stars/ great talent. i have worked with and know many very talented people and what always amazes me is the attitude there ‘plus one’ has! i mean, devoid of very much talent they feel that they themselves are the person of the moment. just yesterday, i was congratulating a friend of mine for an unbelievable display of talent when scary sidekick reared his head. did i notice him? shouldn’t i be congratulating him for his non-performance first? i mean what was i thinking— after all scary sidekick was the ’star’ ( yeaaah right!)!?

but the attitude that keeps me going is when i see some great talent with even greater roots! humbled and in awe of their talent-you know you are in the presence of greatness when their attitude is almost childlike, their simplicity enviable and their ego non-existant.

i aim to be great like them. i think it’s far better than to be only great in your own inflated head!

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nope i’m not in a bad mood contrary to the title….i’m just amazed with how many people have soooooooooooo many double standards in life and while my husband is the live and let live and nice type…i am often more open, brash and more angry about attitudes people have or attitudes they think they need to have to ‘fit in!’

yesterday at dinner we were seated next to a group of 7 loud people in their 30’s who spent a good hour Bollywood Bashing. they talked down celebrities. they laughed at people they knew in school who were in the industry and they bitched about every actor and actress! now sure you have a right to have opinions and even discuss them but must you do it at FULL volume in a restaurant! Must you make your ignorance of actors and Bollywood public? Must you share all your silly thoughts with tens of people who would rather have a nice , quiet dinner without having to suffer your stupidity and opinionated beliefs. I get angry because these are the same people who in a room with any Bollywood actor, actress or wannabe would fawn over their every movement, word and eyelash flutter! In truth , they wait eagerly for a celebrity to even look at them but in front of their friends would much rather Bollywood Bash! Who cares if an English film is mediocre or substandard–it’s an English film after all….! They’d rather watch foreign films which they cannot understand than to actually be honest and say that they’ve loved 3 Idiots or a Hindi film!

Then again, there are those who play music in a car not for themselves but for the cars that are ahead of them by 5 kms. What’s the point? Do we need to be subjected to your taste in music? is our taste so foul that we  should be disallowed from hearing our own music? Or do you think music in the car/ radio is a new invention? Or perhaps you are stone deaf or think we are!

What’s with these idiots!?

And then there’s the lot that says the casting couch doesn’t exist! And that they spent their birthday in prayer when later the tabloids splash pictures of them partying with the new hot shot director, raunchy producer or muscled hero! By saying ‘NO’ do you think that you will lose the film—probably! But if each girl said ‘no’ , would the producers continue to make films without actresses and even if they did would people continue watching them? By acknowledging their existence you make others aware of sleaze-ball producer/directors/actors and by saying ‘NO’ you ensure that you are more than just a glorified prostitute!

Come on girls–I know we are smarter than that!

We need to stop with the double standards. Be more honest to ourselves!

In glass houses I mustn’t throw stones- so here goes- I love Bollywood! I watch all movies even the ones that FLOP MISERABLY. I thrive on gossip but am lucky to have the accessibility to know what is rumour and what is fact! I listen to music in my car when I’m stressed but at a decent or super low volume and love hindi music and the 80’s! And the casting couch does exist and when I was asked I told some choice directors and producers to F- Off! I got no films in return but i did get to keep my dignity and self respect and honestly you can’t put a price on that!

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